Aspergers men thrive at the center of the stage, my son has the amazing ability to speak in public, think logically, coherently  and articulate thoughts and ideas sensibly. He has male Aspergers. He is so amazing at being a clear authority on his subjects of choice, quick thinking on his feet,analytical to a fault, just the facts ma’am.

On the other side of the coin are females with Aspergers, not all females, but a good portion of us. Scattered, emotional, empathetic, not fast thinkers on our feet, more the kind that need to mull a problem over and a lot of the time come up with amazing conclusions. Which leads me to the title Small Claims Court…or my hour and a half of being a deer caught in the headlights, a baby deer.

The contractor left the house a disaster, every item he touched had to be removed and re-done. It was a heartbreaking experience. The judge made it clear that unless I could prove why the work should not be paid for, I was going to have to pay up. After listening to lie after lie after lie from the contractor, I was not able to keep up with all of them or rebutt them. The only thing happening was sensory overload. I even forgot about the refuting evidence that was in the stack of evidence. Now, later as the fight or flight fades,every argument, every shred of prof, every detail comes back into focus too late.

Too late and he got away with it. My Dr. says from now on I need to carry a card with me that I can give to people who need to know my condition, heavens knows I didn’t want to blurt it out in court. My sing song little girl voice and looks that appear at least ten years younger than I am can be confusing to people when they are expecting a 52 year old woman. If I could look at it from the perspective of the middle aged female judge, it could be off putting and seem weak or like I’m trying to appear weak. No, I want to be strong, to square my shoulders and speak with a mature woman voice, use the correct words and sentence structure, talk in exact verbiage, not in words that paint feelings and emotions and that are never in the correct order or with the correct accent on syllables. It would be wonderful to feel comfortable looking people in the eye, instead of feeling like they can see deep into my soul and that they know instinctively that I am not “normal”.  Wouldn’t that be wonderful?

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to not feel every emotion that is floating through the air, and to understand what every single little micro expression means? People talk and I’m hung up on trying to understand body language, facial expression and tone of voice, never mind the words! A full room of people is worse, a full room of tone, body language expressions, gestures, postures, language, a full room of emotional noise!

I lost, by the way, he won, he shouldn’t have, and now that I am calm, safe in my own space, catching myself rocking to soothe myself, I know if someone else could have spoke for me, I would have won. I would have crushed! Ive got the proof, too little too late, no lawyers in small claims court.

Ciao, Chloe’

 

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

The title to most people probably makes zero sense. It feels like the world is shouting? Shouldn’t it sound like the world is shouting? Let’s make it even more strange… It feels like the world is shouting in a language that is incomprehensible. Like it is literally hitting with its shouts, that everyone else in the world understands, and no one else feels, and hey, Im just pretending I understand, and don’t feel. Lost in the forest of words, faces, sounds, smells and texture. Most of which are offensive and confusing.

There is a secret way of being, at least it seems, and the secret is held by everyone but me. Well at least the pants were on frontwards and right side out today, and I didn’t get completely lost, or accidentally follow a man into a restroom, because, trying to stay small and invisible took no notice that the person that was heading toward the sign that said bathrooms, was actually male, not female,

Someone needs to write a book, a book that decodes the world, especially for Aspies, book that comes with pictures and step by step instructions, preferably one that talks in your ear in an earpiece like fake psychics use, except this earpiece would be connected to an audible book, forward it to the page containing the relevant life situation and mimmic. Isn’t that what we do all day? Us Aspies? We mimmic and pretend….until we get home, and sit and rock, or completely disrobe, to free ourselves of the itchy, restrictive clothing with scratchy thread, or maybe we cry, remembering all the faux pas of the day, releasing the relentless shouting of the world that has crowded our headspace, causing a blaring migraine.

It is not the worlds fault, not normal peoples fault not our fault. We are who we are, we are beautiful, creative, dorky, brilliant, strong (we have to be, what normal person would even bother getting up every morning if they knew before the alarm clock even went off, they had already most likely screwed up in some way).

Im off to bed, it was a pretty good day,  Pants are on front ways and right side out!

Ciao for now, Chloe’